


Deadpool Goes To Canada

by handyhunter



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, Wolverine (2009), X-Men (comicsverse)
Genre: Canada, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-19
Updated: 2010-02-19
Packaged: 2017-10-07 09:29:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/63773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handyhunter/pseuds/handyhunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool goes to Canada to promote his new movie, <strike>Wolverine</strike> <i>Deadpool: Origins</i>!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deadpool Goes To Canada

Deadpool and Wolverine walked into a bar.

Deadpool and Wolverine walked into a _Canadian_ bar.

So this was not at all like the time Deadpool and Cable were in a bar in Intercourse, PA. (Heh. Intercourse.)

For one thing, Cable wasn't here. For another, Logan was already seated - and good thing too - when Wade walked in. For a third, "Vancouver" didn't have the same ring to it as "Intercourse" did. (Heh. Intercourse.)

"WHAT," Logan said, finally, sputtering around a mouthful of beer, "ARE. YOU. WEARING."

Deadpool looked down at himself. Boots. Check. Pants. Check. Red jacket. Check. "Oh, I know. Hang on." He adjusted his hat. "There. What do you think?" He tilted his head to catch his reflection in the glass behind the bar. Red really was his colour.

_Snikt._

Wade blinked. Wolverine had three pointy claws pressing against his side, probably poking holes through the fabric.

"Hey!" He squirmed, trying to get away, but Logan had his other hand wrapped around the front of Wade's shirt; if he let loose those claws, they'd go right through Wade's throat. Hmm. He stopped wiggling. "This is a rental! Sort of. I think the guy I stole it from thanked me after I knocked him out." A cute Asian chick sat down on Wolverine's other side. "Uh, Wolvie? I think we got company."

"Don't call me that." Logan retracted his claws, though, and sighed into his beer. "Well, kid?"

"Nope, not there," she said, glumly.

"Whoa. You two know each other?" If you could see Wade's eyebrows through his mask, they'd be waggling suggestively.

Wolverine grimaced. "Deadpool, Armor. Hisako, Deadpool. She's an X-Man and she's underage."

"And you brought her to a bar?" Deadpool shook his head. "Wow. That's like the time I took Cable to a bar, when he was..." Scott Summers (of course he showed up; really, handyhunter, how predictable!) nodded to Logan before saying something to Armor (what kind of a name was that?) "very, very old," he finished up, "with lots of grey hair and wrinkles and absolutely nothing happened. So why are we all here?"

"Why are _you_ here, Wade?" Summers' eyes were glowing. They always did that, but sometimes, like when he was annoyed or mad, they glowed a bit brighter. Kinda like Cable's eye, actually, except red instead of yellow. "And what are you wearing?"

"I asked first!"

Hisako was watching the three of them, fascinated. Logan should take her on all his trips.

Scott rubbed the back of his neck and said, "I was on a mission." Right. Mr Boy Scout. Wade should have known.

"Got thirsty," said Logan.

Hisako nodded, and Scott frowned. "Water! I'm having water. See?" She held up her glass. "Also, I lost my purse. Logan is helping me look for it."

"In every bar in the city?" Scott shook his head.

Hisako waited for Logan to take offense, but nothing happened. Instead he signalled the bartender for two more beers and placed the second one in front of Cyclops, who gave Logan a look before sitting down between him and Deadpool.

Deadpool waited long enough to create a dramatic pause. "I'm here to promote my movie!"

"What?" the other three said in unison.

"Also, since we crossed the border, I'm Canadian now."

"No way in hell, Deadpool." This time it was just the middle claw that popped out.

"I didn't know you could do that," said Hisako, eyeing Wolverine's hands.

"He only does that in the movies, and mostly only to him," Wade indicated to Scott. "They have sexual tension. And I know all about being a Canadian," Wade continued, shifting in his seat. The red suit was hot and itchy and the knee-high leather boots were starting to chafe. "I watched all of _Due South_! Even after RayV left and the tone of the show shifted--"

"Are all your friends like this?" Hisako half-whispered to Logan, but it was loud enough for Wade to hear.

"He's not a friend." Logan didn't bother to whisper.

"He's a--"

"Merc with a mouth!" Wade interrupted Cyclops. "Only my costume doesn't have one, see?" He pulled the bottom half of his mask down and Hisako bit her lip, stifling a giggle.

Logan looked pained. "There is a Canadian flag where your mouth is."

"I know! I put it there!" he said, flipping up his mask again, all the better to talk.

"...Why?" Scott had his arms crossed over his chest in his formidable leader stance.

"Wellll," said Wade slowly, warming up to his explanation, "Wolverine is in a lot of comics, right?" The other three looked blank. "Trust me, he is. He's like on every team known to man- and mutant-kind. The only way he could be on more teams is if he crossed over with DC, and if that happens I vote for exchanging him with Selena Kyle."

"Wade," said Logan, "I'm sitting right here. Ain't no way I could be in Washington, DC, too."

Deadpool slurped up his own beer. "You have more selves than Multiple Man. Anyway. One day, while watching re-runs of _Golden Girls_ \- Bea Arthur, may she rest in peace and be brought back to life like the Phoenix - I had an idea."

Logan motioned to the bartender yet again. "Another beer."

"Two," said Scott, even though his first one was only half-finished.

Hisako sipped her water, and surreptitiously pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her fingers found the right keys deftly. _In canadian bar w/ wolverine, cyclops &amp; dedpool. he's wearing a mountie costume._ She hit the send button.

Deadpool continued as if no one had interrupted him. "Wolverine has his own comic. I have my own comic because Cable is somewhere in the timestream in the future with a little redheaded baby girl who may or may not be his mother. Or sister. Whom he has named Hope because he is subtle like a box of rocks."

A minute later, her phone blinked silently. _@XgirlA A WHAT?_ she read.

Neither Scott nor Logan were paying her any attention, but she made sure to keep her drink between them and her phone. _@blindfold That's what logan said too x100. At least it's not the marvel girl costume? I've heard stories._

Deadpool was still talking. "Wolverine has his claws. I have my swords. Wolverine kills bad guys. I kill...whoever I'm hired to. Wolverine has his own movies (X-Men one, two and three). I have my own movie. I'm playing a white dude (me) playing a white _Canadian_ dude (Ryan Reynolds) playing me (me). It's mistakenly called _Wolverine: Origins_, but whatever. As a Canadian, I'm petitioning for a title change. _Deadpool: Origins_ is so much better, don't you think? I have merchandise too! Deadpool underoos, Deadpool socks, Deadpool weapons..."

"Is he drunk?" Scott looked at Logan like this was all his fault.

_@XgirlA is it bad that I sort of want deadpool socks?_

"You have to place an order through Bob! Or maybe Weasel. I haven't decided yet. Hey, how can Blindfold twitter if she's blind?"

_@XgirlA the answer is NO_

"Tell her to add me! I'm @mercwithamouthforhire. I'm for hire, I mean, not my mouth, although that's part of the package."

Scott shook his head. "Am I drunk?"

"Better not be, Summers." Logan finished the last of his beer. "I'm not carrying you out of here."

"But you know you want to." Wade scratched his neck where the collar was itching it. "What? Can I help it if I know these things, and my fanfic writer totally 'ships you two? If only Jean were here... I still have her original Marvel Girl--"

"That's it, bub." Logan popped a claw directly into Deadpool's larynx. It said something about the quality of the bar that the rest of the patrons didn't so much as glance their way. "Hand me the duct tape." In almost no time at all, Logan had Deadpool duct-taped to his bar stool.

"Why does it always have to be duct tape?" Deadpool gurgled. His throat was beginning to heal over. Logan slapped some tape over his mouth. Oh, please, that would be a piece of cake to remove. Did they think he'd never been in this position before?

Scott got up and placed a $50 -- ooh, red and shiny -- on the bar to cover their costs. Hisako checked her phone again and may have snapped a picture.

Sure enough, by the time the other three got to the door, Deadpool had worked his mouth free. "_Deadpool: Origins!_ May 1st! This Friday! Be there!" His voice was only still a little bit raspy. It'd be fine by the time he got his hands loose.


End file.
